Life's Gumbo

Life's Gumbo: When Oppression Becomes Sacred

TL;DR

Black women have long relied on faith as a source of strength, survival and liberation. Some of the same religious teachings have also been used to sanctify our suffering, silence and self-abandonment. I call this sacred oppression: harmful expectations made difficult to challenge because they have been wrapped in Scripture, tradition and the threat of spiritual consequence. This essay asks what we have accepted as holy, who benefits from those interpretations and what might change if we examined the systems built in God’s name with greater curiosity.


I almost didn’t write this.

Even now, something in me tightens as I consider what I am about to say. I can hear the warnings before anybody actually speaks them:

Be careful.

Don’t play with God.

The Bible says lean not unto your own understanding.

Some things you just don’t question.

If you grew up Black, Southern and churched, or even churched-adjacent, you probably know the feeling. We can interrogate politics, education, racism, capitalism and almost every other system shaping our lives.

God? The Bible?

BAEBEA, you better tread lightly.

That fear interests me.

I have not stopped believing in God. I do not believe the Bible contains no wisdom. I certainly do not want to dismiss the faith that helped Black people survive circumstances designed to destroy us.

I am interested because I spend a lot of time thinking about systems: how they shape what we believe, how they organize our relationships, and how they remain in place long after we have forgotten who built them.

I am especially interested in what happens to Black women inside those systems.

Black women have been taught to survive so much that should have been questioned.

We have been told that endurance is strength. That suffering builds character. That forgiveness is required, even when accountability is absent. That keeping the family together is our responsibility. That service is our calling. That submission is godly. That silence is respect. That exhaustion is simply what happens when you are the one everybody depends on.

When those expectations are tied to God, refusing them does not merely feel selfish.

It can feel sinful.

That is what I mean by sacred oppression: domination that has been given divine authority. Harmful expectations become difficult to challenge when they have been wrapped in Scripture, tradition, and the threat of spiritual consequence.

A system becomes hardest to question when it has been made sacred.

Black women are the backbone, but what has that cost us?

Black women have long been called the backbone of the Black church. The numbers support what many of us have witnessed all our lives. Women constitute nearly two-thirds of adults affiliated with historically Black Protestant churches.

We fill the pews.

We teach Sunday school, lead ministries, organize the repast, raise the building-fund money, prepare the children for Easter speeches, visit the sick, tend to grieving families and remember what everybody needs.

We carry the church.

Then we carry its teachings home.

Being the backbone is not the same as having authority.

Black women have often supplied much of the church’s labor while men retained a disproportionate share of its formal power. That includes the authority to interpret Scripture, define proper womanhood and decide what God requires of us.

That contradiction deserves more attention.

What does it mean for women to constitute most of the body, perform much of the work and transmit much of the culture while having less power to determine the theology governing their own lives?

What does it mean when the people benefiting from women’s service also have the authority to declare that service sacred?

We have been praised for carrying crosses nobody ever intended to help us put down.

Then we called that praise honor.

What have we normalized because it sounded holy?

Religion does not remain inside the sanctuary. It travels.

It comes home in our ideas about marriage, motherhood, discipline, sexuality, leadership, sacrifice and forgiveness. It shapes who may speak, who must obey, who is expected to endure and whose comfort is protected at everyone else’s expense.

Eventually, theology becomes culture. Culture becomes common sense. Common sense becomes “just the way we were raised.”

We stop noticing where the rules came from.

A Black woman remains in a relationship that is destroying her because God hates divorce.

A mother gives until she is physically and emotionally depleted because a good woman sacrifices for her family.

A girl is taught to dress differently rather than expect men and boys to govern their own behavior.

A woman forgives harm before she has had time to name what happened because holding anger might block her blessing.

A congregation protects a powerful man because touching God’s anointed is considered more dangerous than questioning what he did.

A queer child learns that being honest about who they are could cost them family, community and God.

A Black woman interprets her exhaustion as a personal failure because she has been taught that God will not give her more than she can bear.

We rarely call these things oppression when they arrive through people who love us.

We call them values.

We call them tradition.

We call them biblical.

Sometimes we call them protection.

Protection that requires one person to become smaller so another person does not have to become accountable is not protection. It is power.

Power does not become less oppressive because someone invokes God while exercising it.

The Bible did not enter our lives outside of power

The Bible did not arrive in Black American life on neutral ground.

European enslavers used biblical interpretation to justify bondage, demand obedience and describe a violent racial order as the will of God. An edition now commonly known as the “Slave Bible” was created for the religious instruction of enslaved Africans in the British West Indies. Large portions of Scripture, including much of Exodus, were removed. Passages that could be used to encourage obedience were preserved.

That was not simply religion.

That was systems design.

Someone understood that controlling the story could help control the people. Someone knew that what people believe about God can shape what they accept from human authority.

Black people refused to find only bondage in the Bible.

We heard liberation in the same text enslavers used to preach submission. We found ourselves in Moses demanding that Pharaoh let his people go. We met beyond the supervision of enslavers in hush harbors, where God sounded different when the person interpreting the Word was not the person holding the whip.

The Black church became sanctuary, school, political headquarters, mutual-aid network and organizing infrastructure. It helped us survive slavery, resist Jim Crow and imagine freedom before America was willing to recognize our humanity.

Black women were central to building and sustaining those institutions, even when history failed to name them and the institutions failed to share power with them.

That liberatory history is real.

The other history is real, too.

The Bible has helped Black people imagine ourselves free. It has also been interpreted in ways that taught Black women which forms of bondage we were expected to accept.

Both things can be true.

When survival gets mistaken for divine assignment

Black women’s ability to survive has always been one of our greatest resources.

It has also been exploited.

America has depended on Black women’s labor while denying us adequate protection. Workplaces depend on our competence while resisting our authority. Families depend on our caregiving while treating our needs as negotiable. Churches depend on our service while sometimes excluding us from meaningful power.

When we survive all of it, people point to our survival as evidence that the arrangement works.

This is one of the most dangerous things we have normalized: the belief that because Black women can carry something, we should.

Our endurance has become justification for giving us more to endure.

Religion can make that exploitation feel purposeful.

Your suffering is producing something.

God is preparing you.

The pain is part of your testimony.

There is a blessing on the other side.

Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes those beliefs help people endure what cannot immediately be changed. I would never dismiss the faith that has allowed a Black woman to find meaning in the middle of circumstances she did not choose.

Meaning should not become a substitute for change.

A theology that helps a woman survive oppression can be life-giving. A theology that convinces her the oppression itself is God’s will is something else entirely.

We must be able to tell the difference.

Black women have also carried these teachings

Centering Black women does not mean pretending we have only been acted upon.

We have also transmitted these beliefs.

Black women taught Sunday school. Black women corrected little girls’ clothes. Black women warned us not to question the preacher. Black women instructed daughters to keep families together. Black women sometimes taught children that obedience mattered more than bodily autonomy, that forgiveness meant renewed access and that suffering quietly was evidence of good character.

We did not invent the systems we were helping to preserve.

Often, we were passing down the rules that had helped us remain safe, respectable, connected and spiritually certain in a world offering Black women very little protection.

That does not make the harm unreal.

It does make the story more complicated.

Sometimes what looks like consent is adaptation. Sometimes what sounds like conviction began as a survival strategy. Sometimes the women enforcing the rule were also constrained by it.

Our responsibility is not to shame them or ourselves.

Our responsibility is to become conscious enough to decide what should continue through us and what should end with us.

What if curiosity is not disobedience?

Many of us were taught that God, the Bible and the interpretation handed to us were essentially the same thing.

Questioning the teaching meant questioning the text. Questioning the text meant questioning God. Questioning God could mean risking punishment in this life and the next.

That does not leave much room for curiosity.

Perhaps curiosity is not a rejection of faith.

Perhaps it is how we separate the divine from the systems humans have built in the divine’s name.

What might happen if Black women interrogated biblical interpretations with the same rigor we bring to every other system?

What if we asked:

  • Who taught me what this passage means?

  • Who benefits when I accept that interpretation?

  • What does it require Black women to sacrifice?

  • Whose authority does it protect?

  • Whose voice does it silence?

  • What happens when this belief becomes a household rule, a church practice or a cultural expectation?

  • Does it produce dignity, accountability and freedom, or fear, domination and silence?

  • Would I still call it holy if it were not familiar?

We do not have to reject everything that makes us uncomfortable. Growth is not always comfortable. Liberation does not mean never being accountable to anything beyond ourselves.

Discomfort is not proof of righteousness.

Neither are suffering, silence, submission or sacrifice.

We have to examine the fruit.

If an interpretation consistently protects powerful people while requiring vulnerable people to absorb more harm, we should question it.

If it demands forgiveness from the wounded without accountability from the person who caused the wound, we should question it.

If it depends on Black women’s unpaid labor while denying us equal authority, we should question it.

If it teaches children to distrust what they feel in their own bodies, we should question it.

If it requires Black women to abandon ourselves to prove our devotion to God, we should be curious about whose purposes that devotion serves.

What are we using it to build now?

I do not know that I would say the Bible is inherently a tool of oppression.

I know it has been used as one.

I also know it has been a source of survival, resistance, imagination and liberation. Black people have taken a religion used to justify our bondage and found freedom inside it. Black women have found language for hope, purpose and possibility in its pages.

The question is not only what the Bible has been.

The question is what we are using it to build now.

Are we building families where Black women can have needs without being called selfish?

Churches where our labor is not valued more than our leadership?

Relationships where forgiveness does not require continued access?

Homes where children can speak and still be loved?

Communities where queer people do not have to choose between God and themselves?

A faith where Black women do not have to suffer to prove we are worthy?

Are we creating systems that honor our humanity, or baptizing the systems we already know?

I am not asking Black women to abandon the Bible.

I am asking us to think seriously about what we have normalized and accepted because somebody told us it was sacred.

I am asking whether the God who helped our ancestors imagine freedom would truly require us to preserve systems that depend on our silence, exhaustion, and diminishment.

I am asking what might become possible if we decided that everything passed down to us does not have to keep passing through us.

Maybe questioning what we were taught is not a betrayal of faith.

Maybe it is how we stop mistaking oppression for holiness.

Maybe it is how Black women finally put down the crosses we were never meant to carry.

What’s in the Pot

This reflection is personal, but the patterns beneath it are documented:

  • Women make up 64% of adults in historically Black Protestant churches.

  • Black women have historically sustained churches through religious education, fundraising, caregiving, missionary work, organizing and informal leadership while often facing barriers to formal authority.

  • Research shows that religious teachings about submission, marriage, divorce and forgiveness can shape how women understand and respond to intimate-partner violence.

  • The Superwoman Schema documents the pressure Black women feel to project strength, suppress vulnerability and prioritize everyone else’s care. Researchers have associated these patterns with stress, reduced help-seeking and poorer health.

  • Womanist theologians have long challenged interpretations of Christianity that glorify Black women’s suffering or treat it as redemptive.

  • Scripture has been deliberately edited and interpreted to encourage obedience among oppressed people. Black communities have also reclaimed the Bible as a source of liberation, organizing and collective survival.

Research Simmering Beneath This Essay

Black women’s presence, labor and leadership in the Black church

Religion, marriage, submission and intimate-partner violence

Compulsory strength and the burden of care

Womanist theology and the glorification of suffering

The Bible as an instrument of domination and liberation

Let Me Pour You a Bowl

Life is serving all of us a little bit of everything—beauty, work, wellness, love, culture, questions, and the stories that stay on our minds long after we close the app.

Life’s Gumbo brings the best of it to your table twice a week: thoughtfully curated stories worth your time, Black women and creators you should know, something useful to carry with you, and The Spice, my own reflection on what it all means.

Pull up a chair, sis.

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Life's Gumbo: Baby, I’m T’ied | What Black Women Understood in the Deja Coleman Story

Life's Gumbo Logo in full color, black, teal, sage green and cream

This is one of those articles I couldn’t do in a few graphs. It’s nearly 900 words, and every word was needed to tell this story. For those pressed for time, I’m offering a quick version below. Keep reading after for the full story.


TL;DR

A baby should still be alive, and his mother is responsible for leaving him in that car. The Black women in the comments who understood how it could happen were not excusing her; they were recognizing what chronic exhaustion and cognitive overload can do to a human mind. Accountability matters, but prevention also requires us to build families, communities and systems with safeguards that do not depend on one woman carrying everything perfectly.


The Full Story

I went to the comments ready to see why these women could not understand … because when I first saw the story, I understood.

According to police, a 29-year-old mother dropped two of her children off at daycare, drove to work at a Georgia hospital, and forgot her one-year-old son was still strapped in the back seat.

Nearly nine hours later, somebody found him.

He was dead.

There is no making that less horrific.

A baby should still be alive, but my first thought was not, How could she?

My first thought was: I get it, ‘case, baby, I’m t’ied.

Graphic of Deja Coleman story on IG from @beingblackislit

Not regular tired.

Not “I stayed up too late watching TV” tired.

I mean the kind of tired where your body is in one place, and your mind is already three stops ahead.

The kind where you are standing in the kitchen trying to remember what you came in there to do while mentally answering an email, calculating what is left in the bank account, and wondering whether anybody took the chicken out of the freezer.

The kind where you drive somewhere on autopilot and come back to yourself at a red light.

The kind where you look for your phone while you are talking on it.

So when I was told the women in the comments were criticizing her, I went looking.

Let me see why these women can’t see it, I thought … because surely I cannot be the only one who knows how close exhaustion can bring you to the edge of yourself.

The Black women understood.

One mother said leaving her child in the car was one of her worst fears.

Not something she could ever imagine doing.

Something she was afraid she might do.

Whew.

Another woman asked why the daycare did not ask about the baby when his mother brought the other two children inside.

Now, we do not know whether all three children attended the same daycare. We do not know whether the baby was expected that morning or what the center knew … but listen to the instinct behind her question.

She was searching for the interruption.

The moment when somebody else might have noticed.

The question that could have stopped everything: Where is the baby?

That is what struck me about the Black women in those comments.

They were not excusing what happened. A one-year-old little boy spent nearly nine hours inside a hot car while his mother worked. By the time somebody saw him, he was gone.

Nobody was making that smaller … but they were not rushing to turn his mother into a monster so they could feel safer either.

They understood.

The horror was not that we could not imagine how a mother could forget her own child.

The horror was that we could.

We know what it feels like to be in motion before our minds have fully caught up with our bodies.

We know the kind of morning where somebody cannot find a shoe, the gas light is on, one child is moving too slowly, another needs something signed, your phone is ringing and you are already calculating how late you are going to be.

We know what it feels like to pull into the driveway and realize we do not remember the drive home.

To put something down and lose it while our hand is still leaving it.

To drive toward work on a Saturday because our bodies know the route better than our brains know the day.

To wake up in the middle of the night with our hearts pounding because we suddenly remembered what we forgot.

We know what it is to be tired in a way sleep alone cannot fix.

So when that mother said this was one of her worst fears, I understood exactly what she meant.

She was not saying, “I leave my children in the car.”

She was saying, “I know my mind has limits. I know how much I carry, and I know that, on the wrong day, one missed step could become something I cannot take back.”

Most of us have had the missed step.

What we have not had is the catastrophic outcome.

Something interrupted us.

The child spoke.

The phone rang.

Somebody asked a question.

We doubled back.

The smoke alarm went off.

Grace met us in the gap.

It did not meet Deja Coleman there.

When “strong” means nobody came to help

I do not know this woman.

I do not know what she was carrying that morning. I do not know whether she was exhausted, distracted, overwhelmed, or running on fumes.

I will not take our collective recognition and turn it into a diagnosis.

I will not ignore that recognition either.

Black women know how to function past full.

We know how to get up already tired and start running the list before our feet touch the floor.

Who needs to be where?

What time do I need to leave?

Did I sign the form?

Does everybody have lunch?

I need gas.

I do not have time to stop for gas.

I forgot to answer that email.

What are we eating tonight?

Why does this child only have on one shoe?

Where is my phone?

Your hands are packing a bag while your mind is answering an email, remembering the doctor’s appointment, calculating the bank balance and replaying the conversation you did not finish last night.

Then somebody asks how you are doing.

“Girl, I’m tired.”

And we both know you are not talking about sleep.

Still, you keep moving because things have to get done, and somewhere along the way, you became the person who gets them done.

That is why people call us strong, but sometimes strong does not mean she has the capacity to carry it all.

Sometimes strong simply means nobody came to help, so she adapted.

When you manage the impossible often enough, people begin to mistake your adaptation for your capacity.

They think because you carried it yesterday, it was yours to carry today.

They think because nothing fell last time, the load must not be too heavy this time.

Sometimes we start believing it too.

Until something breaks.

Where was the second safeguard?

This is where the story meets my work as a human-systems strategist.

I developed ALIGN to help us examine the distance between what we intend, what people actually experience, and the outcomes our systems produce.

The intention that morning was painfully ordinary: take three children safely to daycare and go to work.

The outcome was that one child never made it inside.

Between those two truths was a gap wide enough for a baby to die in.

There appears to have been no second safeguard.

No question about the missing baby.

No attendance alert.

No call.

No car-seat alarm.

No vehicle warning.

No interruption until nearly nine hours had passed.

One human mind was the primary safety system.

When that mind failed, the consequence was irreversible.

This is not about letting Deja off the hook.

She is responsible for leaving her baby in that car. She has been charged with second-degree murder and cruelty to children. The criminal legal system will determine what legal accountability looks like, but punishment cannot be our entire prevention strategy.

Accountability requires her to answer for what happened.

Prevention requires the rest of us to answer some questions too.

Why do so many family systems depend on one woman never reaching her limit?

Why are we still treating human memory as fail-safe when we know it is not?

Why do we praise women for carrying impossible loads instead of questioning why the load is theirs?

What should happen when a baby expected at childcare does not arrive?

Why can a car remind us that our seat belt is unfastened but not always recognize that a child remains in the back?

How many women are holding together lives that have no room for human error?

How many of us are one disrupted routine, one sleepless night, or one missed step away from a mistake we cannot take back?

That is what I heard in those comments.

Not excuses.

Recognition.

Black women looking at another Black woman in the worst moment of her life and refusing to pretend we have never felt our own minds stutter under the weight.

We know what it is to carry so much that details begin slipping through the cracks.

Most of us have been protected by an interruption, another person, a reminder or plain old grace.

She wasn’t.

A baby should still be alive.

His mother will have to live with the fact that he is not.

The rest of us have to decide whether we will look at this tragedy and simply say, “I would never,” or tell the harder truth: We understand that kind of tired.

Understanding it does not erase responsibility.

It asks us to build lives and systems that do not require any woman to carry so much, so perfectly, all by herself.

A Little Something to Sit With

For the sisters who want the research after the reflection:

  • Of the 1,041 pediatric vehicular-heatstroke deaths examined between 1998 and 2025, 52.9% involved a child forgotten by a caregiver. More than half of the children who died were younger than 2. NoHeatStroke.org, San José State University

  • The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says plainly that even attentive parents can forget a child in the back seat. It identifies disrupted routines as a known risk and recommends layered reminders rather than relying on memory alone. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration

  • Research has found that interruptions, multitasking, and fatigue are associated with task errors—even among highly trained emergency physicians. Competence does not make a human brain immune to overload. Westbrook and colleagues, Annals of Emergency Medicine

  • Dr. Cheryl Woods-Giscombé’s research on the Superwoman Schema found that many Black women described feeling obligated to project strength, suppress vulnerability, succeed despite limited resources, and care for others. Those adaptations can help us survive while also carrying psychological and physical costs. Woods-Giscombé, Qualitative Health Research

None of this tells us exactly what happened inside Deja Coleman’s mind that morning.

It tells us why so many Black women saw the story and did not have to ask how a person could become that tired.

Let Me Pour You a Bowl

Life is serving all of us a little bit of everything—beauty, work, wellness, love, culture, questions, and the stories that stay on our minds long after we close the app.

Life’s Gumbo brings the best of it to your table twice a week: thoughtfully curated stories worth your time, Black women and creators you should know, something useful to carry with you, and The Spice, my own reflection on what it all means.

Pull up a chair, sis.

Let me pour you a bowl. Get Life’s Gumbo delivered to your inbox twice weekly.

Life’s Gumbo: The Weight of Expectation

Life’s Gumbo: The Weight of Expectation

To avoid disappointment, take people as they are instead of idolizing what they could be."

Expectations can be deceiving, making us believe we love someone when, in reality, we love their potential. In this deep reflection on radical acceptance, Brandi Williams explores how letting go of unrealistic expectations leads to inner peace, healthier relationships, and true self-awareness. Learn how to stop forcing connections, embrace people as they are, and reclaim your emotional well-being.

Read more & download the journal companion in The Soul Lab.

Life’s Gumbo: The Wilderness Was Necessary

Life’s Gumbo: The Wilderness Was Necessary

The wilderness season isn’t meant to break you but to prepare you. In this Life’s Gumbo story, I share how I learned to surrender, trust, and embrace the necessary shedding that happens before stepping into something greater. Read on to discover how your waiting season is working for you.