There are some lessons you don't appreciate until life has worn you out a little.
My auntie had a saying she repeated often: "F* 'em and feed 'em fish and beans."
As a child, I laughed because it sounded outrageous. As an adult, I realized it wasn't about being rude.
It was about letting people choose.
Some people choose peace.
Some choose chaos.
Some choose accountability.
Some choose the comfort of familiar patterns, even when those patterns are hurting them.
For a long time, I thought loving people meant convincing them to choose differently.
I thought if I explained it better, loved harder, showed up longer, or sacrificed a little more, eventually they would see what I saw.
They didn't because that's not how people change.
One of the hardest truths I've had to accept is that every adult has agency. People make decisions based on what they're ready for, not on what we think is best for them.
That realization has changed my relationships.
It has changed how I lead.
It has changed how I care for people, and maybe most importantly, it has changed how I care for myself.
As Black women, many of us were taught that love looks like carrying. We become the fixer, the peacemaker, the responsible one, the one who sees everyone's potential and works overtime trying to help them reach it.
Sometimes we're so busy carrying other people that we forget to ask whether they even want to be carried.
Helping is beautiful.
Rescuing is exhausting.
There is a difference.
I've learned that healing isn't convincing people to choose differently. Healing is recognizing where my responsibility ends, and someone else's begins.
I can offer truth.
I can offer love.
I can offer support, but I cannot choose for another person.
My auntie probably wasn't thinking about boundaries, emotional labor, or agency when she repeated that phrase.
She was simply reminding me that everybody gets to eat what they've chosen, and if someone is perfectly content with fish and beans...
...let them BEA.
Meanwhile, I'll spend my energy tending my own garden.
Because the older I get, the more I believe that choosing yourself isn't selfish.
It's alignment.
What's in the Pot
Who, or what, have you been trying to change that may simply be asking you to let go?
Life's Gumbo is where I make meaning from the stories we inherit, the systems we navigate, and the everyday moments that quietly shape who we become. If this reflection resonated with you, subscribe and pull up a chair. There's always another pot on the stove.