Closure Is Something You Give To Yourself

It is often said that closure is a myth. That’s partly true. If you are seeking closure through someone else … then … yeah … sis … you won’t get it. If you are looking deep within to get closure; well, you are on the right track.

Closure is only something you can give yourself. Dr. Abigail Brenner gives five ways to give yourself closure:

1. Take full responsibility for yourself.
It's ultimately up to you to take the necessary actions to help move you forward. Have conversations with yourself, both asking and answering your own questions in a form of a "self-dialogue."

• What or whom are you holding onto? Why?

• Does holding on truly make you happy, or are you hanging on to a situation the way it once was, or the way you wished it had been, instead of how it actually turned out?

• Are you using this "holding on" as an excuse to stay stuck and unresolved? In other words, is dwelling in the past taking you away from moving toward your future?

• Are you trying to avoid dealing with loss and the void that loss creates?

• If you're willing to let go, what does that really mean? What will you have to do?

• Are you afraid of not knowing what the outcome will be?

• Ultimately, what do you believe will happen to you if you let go?

Being as honest as you can be will pay off in the long run. The pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment will diminish once you've cleared the way to a better, more realistic understanding of the situation.

2. Grieve the loss.
Take plenty of time to do this. There is no set amount of time and no prescribed way; it's totally up to each person to find that for themselves. Don't let anyone tell you to "just get over it." However, grieving should not go on for years. That's just being stuck, still heavily invested in the past.

Prolonged or incomplete grief may contribute to making poor choices in the future. The ability to trust, to be honest, and to be yourself is essential for a new, healthier relationship or situation to present itself to you. "Unfinished business" must be completed and resolved before you move on.

3. Gather your strengths.

• Focus on the positives. Make a list of your talents, gifts, and assets.

• Surround yourself with people who know you well, encourage and support you.

• Shift the emphasis to what you need, what makes you happy. Don't worry about pleasing others.

• Assess where you can make positive change in your life.

• Define and affirm what you're able to do something about now.

4. Make a plan for the immediate future.
Determine what's most important for you moving forward. If necessary, reorder your priorities to allow you to explore different possibilities and opportunities that may present themselves to you. Try some of these on for size. It doesn't matter if they don't work out, just that you tried. The important thing is to take action in order to make things happen. If you can't find a path, make one!

5. Create a ritual.
Believe it or not, performing a ritual is a powerful tool to help gain closure. Beyond thinking and talking, and thinking and talking some more, ritual is driven by intention and action. A "symbolic enactment" allows you to utilize your creativity and intuition in order to bypass the intellectual, logical part of your brain.

For example, when a relationship is over, what do you do with all of the meaningful items and objects, such as letters, pictures, etc., that were part of the relationship? A "fire ceremony" is a way to consume the past, but any number of rituals that you personally create can provide symbolic finality and closure.

Weaknesses As Strengths

When is the last time you leaned into your weaknesses? Most times we ignore them and try to deny them because it doesn’t feel good to know you aren’t good at that thing; but, we shouldn’t do that.

Leaning into our weaknesses means we take a deep look at what we don’t do well, where we need to improve and determine the best way to address the issue. By examining where we can improve, we can reduce our stress. Focusing on weaknesses can help us reduce stress by allowing us to have a plan of action when we are required to operate in our weakness. The Stanford Rethinking Stress toolkit, our stress if often caused by misalignment of our personal values and goals.

For example, if you want to do well at being a mother, but you have a tendency to get easily frustrated, this is a weakness for you in the area of parenting. Leaning into the weakness by asking questions can help you uncover the source of your frustration and help you develop a plan to address it. There are several steps you should take to lean into your weakness ::

• Step 1 :: Recognition

• Step 2 :: Self-evaluation

• Step 3 :: Plan

Using this example, leaning into the weakness would go a little something like this ::

Step 1 :: Recognition

• While fussing at your child you realize that this is a common problem.

• You acknowledge and don’t try to resist the fact that this is a reoccurring issue.

Step 2 :: Self-evaluation

• You make an intentional decision to note how you are feeling at the moment - outside of whatever your child did to upset you, asking yourself ::

  • Was the punishment (fussing) equal to the infraction (their behavior)?

    • If so, why?

      • Did you explain how not to do said thing to the child?

      • Is there a better way to reach the child that leaves you both with your dignity and respect?

      • Is there something that could be a larger issue with your child?

    • If not, what else could cause you to be short with your child consistently?

      • Is it stress at work?

      • Are you unhappy with your relationship?

      • Do you have deep-rooted issues with the parent-child relationship?

Step 3 :: Plan

Based on your responses to the questions, you need to determine what the actual weakness is and then a plan of action moving forward.

Using our example and example questions, you might uncover that your child doesn’t understand the WHY behind what you ask them to do. Since they don’t understand, they don’t do the task the way you want it done - or at all. The weakness here could be that you aren’t effectively communicating with your child.

With that understanding, you can now develop a plan that will help you better communicate with your child. One way to address the weakness is to show them and train them before asking them to complete new tasks, making sure to explain THE WHY and THE HOW as you are training them. Using this new strategy for all situations like this would help improve communication and reduce fussing, improving your stress.

You’re not done though. After fixing the issue with your child, you should consider ::

• How else this weakness shows up.

• What’s the behavior associated with the weakness in different situations?

• How can you develop a plan to address it in those situations?

SN:: I know you are like … gurl … Black mommas don’t care about them not understanding the why … that’s not today’s topic of discussion … but it is something we should discuss at some point … because traditional parenting styles by Black families are rooted in slavery, perpetuate colonialism and are toxic.

3 Ways to Celebrate National Girlfriends Day

Photo by filipefrazao/iStock / Getty Images

August 1 of every year marks a holiday. This is a lesser-known one that is very important to our health and well-being. What’s the holiday?

National Girlfriends Day

According to the Mayo Clinic, friendships play a significant role in promoting positive overall health. Strong friendships have reduced the risk of depression, high blood pressure, and unhealthy body mass index. Also, friendships can reduce stress by boosting your happiness, improving your self-worth, and helping you cope with traumatic events.

So, for those who have strong tribes, we need to honor them. I believe there is always a reason to celebrate the beautiful people who enrich our lives by naturally being who they are. I also don’t need a national day to do this, but I believe it can be extremely beautiful and healing to intentionally hold space at least one day a year for the women in our tribe that support us and, in their ways, make us better.

Take some time this weekend to intentionally celebrate the beauty of strong, positive, affirming, and soul-healing relationships with the women of your tribe. Here are three ideas on how you can do just that:

Idea 1:: Send a digital card

Download a Just Because digital card and shoot your besties a text with the graphic and a special note.

Idea 2 :: Sipping, Snacking & Singing

Grab your girlfriends, drink of choice, and a few of your favorite appetizers, and hit the kitchen table to talk***, laugh and share with this soundtrack as the backdrop. Filled with songs that will make you stand tall and proudly proclaim, “I Am Enough, and I am a Black woman.” Enjoy appreciating your bond and sharing your most intimate thoughts with your sista friends. This playlist celebrates the power of Black women and our friendships in honor of National Girlfriend’s Day (August 1). Curated by Brandi “Bea” Williams, co-author if I Am Enough:: 50 Affirmations for Black Women (http://bit.ly/beanbev2), and Beverlee Sanders, former partners in Bea N’ Bev.

*** You can host this party virtually by sending an invite via Zoom, asking each lady to sit at the kitchen table, and sending a menu for consideration.

Idea 3:: It’s a Photo Party

Give the women in your tribe one (or more) of these sister-friend phone wallpapers. The designs were created as reminders for you and your tribe to rest (Relax, Relate, Release); stay positive (I’m Living a Golden Life); and remind you that your tribe has your back (Soul Sisters).

• Download Relax, Relate, Release

• Download I’m Living a Golden Life

• Download You’re My Soul Sister

Idea 4 :: Dear Sister …

First, take out a pen and paper and evaluate your tribe.

• Who’s in your tribe?

• What role and purpose do they serve in your life?

• What are some of your favorite memories with this person?

• What value do they bring to your life?
  What do you see in the future for you two?

Second, write a note or record a video to the people in your tribe sharing some of the things you’ve identified about your friendship. This could be thank you for being a friend - or thank you for the memories if you find that your time with this person has expired.

Third, write yourself a note or create a video to honor the friend you’ve been to you. We always need a little positive affirmation from the number one lady in our lives - ourselves.

Whatever you decide, make sure you celebrate with your tribe. You’re blessed to have them!

Follow Friday :: Plants, Veggies and More

During this week’s Kombucha, Wine & Chill Virtual Game Night Demetria Cox, a gardner, health-eating & plant-based advocate and vegetarian chef shared tips on how to grow veggies from scraps four low-maintenance indoor plants that can improve your quality of life. See below for information on both and make sure you follow her on Instagram @deeveggiechef.

Growing Fruits and Veggies from Home

If you’ve ever been interested in growing your own food, now is a great time to start. You don’t need to run out and stock up on gardening supplies either. You can start a small in-home garden with organic scraps from your kitchen. You don’t need much - just seeds or roots from your fruits or veggies, fertilizer and a container (can be a glass or cup that you already have).

See below for links and videos to help guide you.

10 Foods that Regrow with Water

Growing from Food Scraps :: 37 Kitchen Scraps You Can Regrow

14 Store-Bought Veggies and Herbs You Can Grow at Home

Low-maintenance plants for your home

Kaizen. It’s a Japanese business approach to creating continuous improvement based on the idea that small, ongoing positive changes can reap major improvements. When implemented, kaizen promotes small steps to improvement - like very small. Using a wellness example, someone looking to lower their A1C would first think about the change. That’s step one. Step two would be to research the things needed to make the change. You get the idea?

Using kaizen as a guide to improving your personal health, means making small changes toward that goal. Want to boost your immunity and improve your mood? Try plants. Check out the benefits of having plants in your home.

The infographic below shares information on four plants that can be used to jumpstart your wellness journey.

Testimony Tuesday :: Losing Weight Is All About You

This article was featured in the March 30 issue of The Charlotte Post

About a year and a half ago I headed to the doctor for my annual exam. I was expecting to discuss my high A1C, low iron and low Vitamin D numbers. I wasn’t expecting to get on the scale and realize I was 123 pounds. There were several problems with this:

1. I am 4’9”. I can’t stand to be much heavier or I will roll away.

2. I was the highest weight I’d ever been at in my life; and the last time I was 123 pounds, I was pregnant.

3. My doctor said I was still in normal range.

I left the doctor with a good bill of health, but I was not happy. I knew I had to do something about this growing belly fat that was contributing to my 123 pound overall weight. I immediately called a friend who directed me to take a food sensitivity test to determine what foods I should stay away from because they cause leaky gut syndrome. I took the test, got the results and continued to eat the foods.

I started working out with a trainer. I paid for this online group to create a specialized diet just for me. I had a breast reduction and began eating less meat and more live foods. I only lost three pounds.

I was devastated, but I soon found out why I wasn’t losing weight. I wasn’t honoring my body. I didn’t truly understand my body and I wasn’t listening to it as it told me what was wrong.

Losing weight is as unique to you as your fingerprint. There is no one-size-fits all diet. Each person is a unique individual with their own set of nutritional requirements that are impacted by many different things - environment, anatomy, metabolism, body composition and cell structure. The concept that one man’s food is another man’s poison is called bio-individuality. Achieving optimal health means that you have to completely understand your body and what foods are good for you and which ones are poison for you. If you want to truly lose weight and achieve optimal health you will need to:

1. Keep a food journal. Food journaling is the first step in helping you understand how your body reacts to food. Write down in your journal what you eat for 30 days - for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Take note of how your body feels, your emotions and energy levels when you eat during this time. Pay attention to any changes in your skin, hair and nails as well. Our bodies are always talking to us. We just have to pay attention to what it is telling us. Take into account any regular monthly bodily activities and note the symptoms that you have with those changes that may or may not be connected to your food.
   

2. Take a food sensitivity test. Within two weeks of starting your journaling practice, take a food sensitivity test. This is a blood test that will help you determine what foods trigger an immune reaction in your body. The food triggers are different for each person. When you eat these foods it damages the lining of your intestines, allowing food particles to get into your bloodstream, which causes inflammation in your body and can cause the body to begin to fight the food like it is bacteria or a virus. This is called leaky gut syndrome. Symptoms of leaky gut syndrome include bloating, food sensitivities, fatigue, digestive issues and skin problems. Knowing which foods trigger this response in your body can help you remove them from your diet, decreasing inflammation and the potential for an unwarranted immune response.
   

3. Evaluate your microbiome. There are good and bad bacteria in your gastrointestinal tract (GI tract). When the bacteria in your GI tract becomes unbalanced it can lead to chronic illness and digestive disorders like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Chron’s disease, colitis, diabetes, obesity and leaky gut syndrome. Getting a microbiome test will test the bacteria in your system and help determine the best way to rebalance the bacteria for optimal health. 

There are several online tests for food sensitivities and microbiome testing that can help you evaluate your microbiome, but this is best done under the care of a functional medicine doctor or nurse practitioner. They can help you evaluate the results and prescribe medical-grade probiotics or supplements. A certified health coach can also guide you through the process and make recommendations to qualified medical professionals who are committed to finding the root cause of your illness. 

The most important part of your health journey is honoring your bio-individuality by observing and listening to your body. Our bodies are always talking to us. We just have to listen to what they are saying.

Wellness Wednesday :: F*ck Your Diet!

We’ve become conditioned to spend the first month of the year focused on our health. This usually includes committing to a diet and exercise regimen that typically never makes it out of January into February. We set ourselves up for failure when we start making health resolutions based on someone else’s health theories. Think about it, what does the person who developed Diet X know about you? You and your body are unique and have unique needs. According to Integrative Nutrition’s founder Josh Rosenthal, diets don’t work because ::

1. One person’s food is another person’s poison.

2. Your brain has its own sense of how much you should weigh.

3. Diets encourage you to put all your focus on external rules.

Additionally, making resolutions that require you to immediately cut out all the things requires discipline. Dan Buetter, the man who founded the Blue Zones, says, “Discipline is a muscle and muscles fatigue.” I agree. You can only deny yourself for so long before you fall off the wagon and abandon the resolution that was focused on someone’s theory who doesn’t know you or your body.

So what should you be doing instead? Honoring your bio-individuality, the unique nutrition needs of your body. You can do this by ::

1. Keeping a food journal. Keep a food journal for a month. Document what you eat and how you feel overall after eating. Are you bloated? Do you feel sluggish? Do you have energy? What does your skin look like? How do you feel mentally and emotionally? By documenting your meals and how you feel, you can start to better understand what foods and drinks don’t work for you - and what foods have a negative impact on your primary food.

2. Getting a microbiome test. Microbiome tests give you a full look at your gut health - and that is extremely important. Your gut has been said to be the real brain of your body. Gut health is important because the digestive fluids made in the gut control many bodily functions, including brain function. This is called the gut-brain connection. Getting a microbiome test will help you identify what’s going on in your gut and provide personalized suggestions on how to improve your gut health.

Armed with the information from your food journal and your test, you can then create a plan that will work for you. The personalized plan that you create will honor your bio-individuality and you will be more likely to stick to it because you created it just for you!

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