Closure Is Something You Give To Yourself

It is often said that closure is a myth. That’s partly true. If you are seeking closure through someone else … then … yeah … sis … you won’t get it. If you are looking deep within to get closure; well, you are on the right track.

Closure is only something you can give yourself. Dr. Abigail Brenner gives five ways to give yourself closure:

1. Take full responsibility for yourself.
It's ultimately up to you to take the necessary actions to help move you forward. Have conversations with yourself, both asking and answering your own questions in a form of a "self-dialogue."

• What or whom are you holding onto? Why?

• Does holding on truly make you happy, or are you hanging on to a situation the way it once was, or the way you wished it had been, instead of how it actually turned out?

• Are you using this "holding on" as an excuse to stay stuck and unresolved? In other words, is dwelling in the past taking you away from moving toward your future?

• Are you trying to avoid dealing with loss and the void that loss creates?

• If you're willing to let go, what does that really mean? What will you have to do?

• Are you afraid of not knowing what the outcome will be?

• Ultimately, what do you believe will happen to you if you let go?

Being as honest as you can be will pay off in the long run. The pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment will diminish once you've cleared the way to a better, more realistic understanding of the situation.

2. Grieve the loss.
Take plenty of time to do this. There is no set amount of time and no prescribed way; it's totally up to each person to find that for themselves. Don't let anyone tell you to "just get over it." However, grieving should not go on for years. That's just being stuck, still heavily invested in the past.

Prolonged or incomplete grief may contribute to making poor choices in the future. The ability to trust, to be honest, and to be yourself is essential for a new, healthier relationship or situation to present itself to you. "Unfinished business" must be completed and resolved before you move on.

3. Gather your strengths.

• Focus on the positives. Make a list of your talents, gifts, and assets.

• Surround yourself with people who know you well, encourage and support you.

• Shift the emphasis to what you need, what makes you happy. Don't worry about pleasing others.

• Assess where you can make positive change in your life.

• Define and affirm what you're able to do something about now.

4. Make a plan for the immediate future.
Determine what's most important for you moving forward. If necessary, reorder your priorities to allow you to explore different possibilities and opportunities that may present themselves to you. Try some of these on for size. It doesn't matter if they don't work out, just that you tried. The important thing is to take action in order to make things happen. If you can't find a path, make one!

5. Create a ritual.
Believe it or not, performing a ritual is a powerful tool to help gain closure. Beyond thinking and talking, and thinking and talking some more, ritual is driven by intention and action. A "symbolic enactment" allows you to utilize your creativity and intuition in order to bypass the intellectual, logical part of your brain.

For example, when a relationship is over, what do you do with all of the meaningful items and objects, such as letters, pictures, etc., that were part of the relationship? A "fire ceremony" is a way to consume the past, but any number of rituals that you personally create can provide symbolic finality and closure.

Weaknesses As Strengths

When is the last time you leaned into your weaknesses? Most times we ignore them and try to deny them because it doesn’t feel good to know you aren’t good at that thing; but, we shouldn’t do that.

Leaning into our weaknesses means we take a deep look at what we don’t do well, where we need to improve and determine the best way to address the issue. By examining where we can improve, we can reduce our stress. Focusing on weaknesses can help us reduce stress by allowing us to have a plan of action when we are required to operate in our weakness. The Stanford Rethinking Stress toolkit, our stress if often caused by misalignment of our personal values and goals.

For example, if you want to do well at being a mother, but you have a tendency to get easily frustrated, this is a weakness for you in the area of parenting. Leaning into the weakness by asking questions can help you uncover the source of your frustration and help you develop a plan to address it. There are several steps you should take to lean into your weakness ::

• Step 1 :: Recognition

• Step 2 :: Self-evaluation

• Step 3 :: Plan

Using this example, leaning into the weakness would go a little something like this ::

Step 1 :: Recognition

• While fussing at your child you realize that this is a common problem.

• You acknowledge and don’t try to resist the fact that this is a reoccurring issue.

Step 2 :: Self-evaluation

• You make an intentional decision to note how you are feeling at the moment - outside of whatever your child did to upset you, asking yourself ::

  • Was the punishment (fussing) equal to the infraction (their behavior)?

    • If so, why?

      • Did you explain how not to do said thing to the child?

      • Is there a better way to reach the child that leaves you both with your dignity and respect?

      • Is there something that could be a larger issue with your child?

    • If not, what else could cause you to be short with your child consistently?

      • Is it stress at work?

      • Are you unhappy with your relationship?

      • Do you have deep-rooted issues with the parent-child relationship?

Step 3 :: Plan

Based on your responses to the questions, you need to determine what the actual weakness is and then a plan of action moving forward.

Using our example and example questions, you might uncover that your child doesn’t understand the WHY behind what you ask them to do. Since they don’t understand, they don’t do the task the way you want it done - or at all. The weakness here could be that you aren’t effectively communicating with your child.

With that understanding, you can now develop a plan that will help you better communicate with your child. One way to address the weakness is to show them and train them before asking them to complete new tasks, making sure to explain THE WHY and THE HOW as you are training them. Using this new strategy for all situations like this would help improve communication and reduce fussing, improving your stress.

You’re not done though. After fixing the issue with your child, you should consider ::

• How else this weakness shows up.

• What’s the behavior associated with the weakness in different situations?

• How can you develop a plan to address it in those situations?

SN:: I know you are like … gurl … Black mommas don’t care about them not understanding the why … that’s not today’s topic of discussion … but it is something we should discuss at some point … because traditional parenting styles by Black families are rooted in slavery, perpetuate colonialism and are toxic.